On July 4, 2023, I was in Seattle, Washington to visit one of my dearest friends and to see if a trip to a new place would speed up the process of mending my very broken heart at the time.
Shortly before the trip, I started pursuing trail running as a serious hobby. The start of trail running marked the beginning of a transcendence to a life perspective that is most familiar to me now—the way my daily experiences seems to rejuvenate more than drain, the ability to be unapologetic in taking care of myself, and the belief that I am worthy to take the lead in determining how I carry myself through the world.
There are people who met me in 2021 and 2022 and even interacted with me frequently, who thought they really knew me. Perhaps they think the still really know me. But I think back to those days and always feel a niggle of uneasiness associated with those years despite performing at such a high level at work, being the solution to other people’s problems, and superficially looking like I was succeeding. The truth is that people around us will always have their judgments—and it has taken me years to comprehend what it means to have an unshakeable sense of self-understanding such that others’ false assumptions are completely irrelevant to why I do what I do.
Every time my heart has been shattered in the past, I wanted to physically escape to a new space. I found it hard to believe in the goodness of people again. I found it hard to be genuinely optimistic. I’m not sure what happened, but after being shattered so many times, over and over, I physically needed run and push my body to do difficult things. Perhaps it was a physical manifestation of mentally running from everything that was happening internally. But that first trail run happened at the right time. Trail running has shown me that I love my own company for hours on end—no headphones, no running group needed. And perhaps that made all the difference in showing me that the joy I feel from others’ company now is not born from misery, but from connection and warmth, because my own company is already pretty darn fun. That self-encouragement and making choices from courage are far more sustainable than fear and protection. Fear and protection are rooted in arrogance, insecurity, and a false sense of grandiosity.
It has taken me years to get to where I am today, to be who I am. It has taken me years to truly believe that lasting happiness is indeed meant for me. It has taken me years to know that I do not need to reach a certain destination or belittle myself to be worthy of goodness, to accept goodness. It has taken me years to recognize that what I do every single day is a choice, and is a choice that can be made to propel myself in a direction that makes my soul feel full. It has taken me years to truly understand that nobody will understand me as much as I understand myself.
Misery might love company, but it doesn’t thrive long-term. Courage, encouragement, and an unwavering belief that I stand by the decisions I make and actions I take are what thrive. For me, courage and encouragement are the foundational blocks for a life well-lived.
a gorgeous picture and words to live by 💛